True Blood Recap Season 5, Episode 5

Last week we left off with drunk Snookie – I mean, Sookie – swapping spit with Alcide and that’s where we pick up episode five. Finally, Alcide takes his freakin’ shirt off! The two make their way into the bedroom in rush of unbridled passion and just when you think you’ll be treated to a hot love scene, Sookie pukes on Alcide’s shoes. Good one Sook. Now every woman in America hates you, if they didn’t already.

Lafayette is getting pretty damn tired of this horned demon using him to play nasty pranks. So in a fit of frustrated desperation, he prays to religious figurines. Only instead of giving him hope and protection, they start doing the mambo. Or something. Not quite sure. Anyway, the point is clear. Lafayette is tripping on Santeria. Then he talks to Jesus (no, not that Jesus) – who’s body is still missing yet no one seems the least bit disturbed by this – but hey, this is Bon Temp. And in Bon Temp, whether you got psycho vampires bent on draining your blood or you accidentally killed your boyfriend while possessed by a ghost, you show up for work at Merlotte’s and pretend like nothing happened.

So Terry and Patrick’s strange military subplot finally makes sense and is worth putting in the recap. Down in Bunker Disturbia, one of their squad members goes berserk, spouting about a fire monster that killed his friends and is coming after him. Terry has a flashback to the night they killed the village of innocent people in Iraq. One of the victims was a woman who put a curse on them that Ifrit – a fire demon? – would kill everyone they love. Now poor Terry has a fire monster that wants revenge and a creepy possessed baby. He gots some issues.

Last week Jason and Andy got blasted with fairy light. This week, Jason starts off in a dream. He’s wearing super hero pajamas, which is disturbing enough on a well-built hunk of a man, then has breakfast with his parents and little Sookie. Sad music plays in the background – the same song they use when Sookie is sad or thinking about her grandma –and that tells us this is an emotional scene and we should all say “awww…”  Jason is more than happy to be a kid again, eating his Captain Crunch in his silly pajamas until fang marks appear on his parent’s necks and blood seeps out of them. Jason wakes up, a little disturbed, and naked in his house.

Andy wakes up the same way – naked on Terry and Arlene’s couch where Arlene gets an eyeful. Both of them get called out to where Sam’s shifter friends died. With the shoddy police department they have in Bon Temp and the evolving encyclopedia of supernaturals, I doubt this mystery will get solved any time soon.

Eric, Bill, Alcide, and Sookie have a pow wow at Sookie’s house to figure out how to find Russell Edgington. The boys don’t get along. Big surprise there. Just whip it out guys and measure them, okay? Save us all the trouble. *rolls eyes then realizes exactly what I said and drools* Anyway, Eric and Bill are all like, “It’s Alcide’s fault” and Alcide’s all like “growl, growl, growl” And Leia’s all like, “Mm-hm, your growl don’t scare me wolf boy. Come on over here so I can pet you.” Then Sookie does the female version of cock blocking me with a rather humorous mental breakdown where she says the best line of the episode, “A three thousand year old vampire wants to suck my blood. Must be Thursday!”

Pam’s delicate way of mentoring had Tara drinking a woman’s blood last week. This week she’s bartending at Fangtasia. Tara’s looking hot in a purple and black corset number that makes Pam arch an eyebrow and just when I was thinking they might have a lesbian moment, Pam has her slammed up against the wall with a hand on her throat. No, not in a I-want-you-so-bad-I-can’t-wait-any-longer way. But in a if-you-drink-from-a-human-in-my-club-I’ll-kill-you way. Fleeting lesbian moment over. But you never know. Pam’s unpredictable and Tara’s the wildcard.

Nora’s still being tortured by the Authority for her involvement with the Sanguinists. There better be something to this subplot cause the endless torture is getting old. Screaming, moaning, begging, UV lights, silver in the blood, blah blah blah. We felt bad for her at first. Now we’re just immune to it. Just die already! Nora better morph into some kind of goddess or a dragon or something cool and go all bat shit crazy on the Authority. Just sayin’.

Bill gets a phone call from the techie chick who put on their instant death harnesses. She tells him, basically, the harnesses will engage if they don’t find Russell Edgington by dawn and “and thank you for working with the Authority for all your stake-to-the-heart needs.” If you want to stay alive so you can pretend not to love Sookie anymore, you have to complete this impossible task. Soooo predictable!

Jason is having an identity crisis since learning his parents were killed by vampires and not drowned in a flash flood like he’d been told. Unfortunately, there’s not much identity for him to crisis about. He’s the most simple-minded television character I’ve ever seen. Except maybe Joey from Friends.  Anyway, his cute little version of a mental breakdown is seeing his dead parents everywhere – like the shifter bodies he’s now investigating the murder of. Unbalanced, jacked-up people in positions of authority – just another reason to cross out Bon Temp as a vacation destination.

Jessica watches Pam’s rough treatment of Tara and decides to have a little girl bonding talk. She wants to be girlfriends and wins her over to vampirism by talking up “feeding and fucking at the same time.” So precious. Anyway, their adorable little relationship lasts approximately twenty seconds then Jessica finds Tara feeding on Hoyt in the joke of a restroom at Fangtasia and goes all jealous ex-girlfriend bitch on her.

Sookie heads to the construction zone where they buried Russell Edgington, her boys on leashes behind her. The construction worker had been glamoured so he had no memory of digging up Russell Edgington. But Sookie, via telepathy, can access his memories even when he can’t. So she taps into his mind which directs them to this old, abandoned factory that reeks of evil and violence and horror and spider webs and probably clowns wielding knives. Eric and Bill suggest they split up and leave Sookie behind. Apparently Sookie ain’t taking shit this week cause she lays it down – “Splitting up in the Factory of Doom? Way to be horror movie cliché! You deserve to die just for suggesting it. And I’m the one with the microwave fingers and magical vagina so how ‘bout you let me do my thing, bitches!” Something like that. I may have taken a few liberties.

Lafayette wakes up in the middle of the night to see Jesus’ decapitated head on his nightstand with his mouth sewn shut. Then his mother – remember her from a couple seasons ago? – wakes up to the same thing. While Lafayette’s reaction is “what the fuck?” hers is, “not this again.” Like me, many fans were confused by this scene. But whatever. I’m happy Jesus is on the show this season. I just hope his body finds its way into the episodes too.

Sam visits Luna to tell her about their shifter friends being murdered. They have a good cry and just when I’m hopeful their relationship is on the mend, some jackasses wearing masks shoot them both in the front yard. Luna is dead – you can tell that by her lifeless eyes and sad music. Sam, I think might pull through. So fucking sad! I loved Luna and Sam. The poor guy finally catches a break only to have it slip through his fingers only halfway through season five. Little Emma shifts into a puppy after seeing her mom shot and runs away. My prediction is that Sam lives then raises Emma. Marriage material, that man is.

After Sookie, Alcide, Eric, Bill, and construction worker guy make their way through the Haunted Factory, slowly while suspenseful music plays in the background, they finally find Russell Edgington looking a little pale and sickly on a cot. Eric approaches him with fangs drawn and a stake in hand. Please Eric. No dramatic speeches. Just finish the job you fucked up the first time!

Just when you think this will be the easiest assassination in the history of television, Alcide growls then disappears. Everyone turns to look at him. Then the episode ends.

From the previews, next week is looking to be a fantastic episode. Roman (the Guardian’s real name) and Russell face off. I’m very excited for this. Evil psychotic villain versus maybe evil slightly less psychotic villain. Who do you want to win?