True Blood Season 5, episode 4 Recap

So last episode ended with Tara doing the classic fry your skin off vampire suicide technique and Pam rolling her eyes from across town. At the end we’re left wondering, will Pam save her or leave her to die a horrible, mushy death? Well, she saves her, rolling her eyes at her idiocy, as I was too. Tara, all crispified begs her to let her die. Pam commands her not to commit vampire suicide anymore. Then there’s some lovely footage of flesh sliding off bone when Pam grabs her arm to help her out of the fryer. Just before dinner too. Yum.

Lafayette is mad at Sookie cause she told Alcide about them killing Debbie. He tells her off, calling her the Angel of Death. He needs Jesus back. He’s all kinds of uptight this season. Chillax, homeslice. All she did was shoot a person in the head then have your cousin turned into her worst nightmare then tell a werewolf that Lafayette aided and abetted a federal crime. This is Bon Temp. That’s a slap on the wrist offense by the often high and awkward Sheriff. Ain’t no reason to let the monster out. But he does. That rascally Mexican brujo takes over Lafayette again and he lifts Sookie’s car while chanting in Spanish.  What big mental muscles you have, granny monster.

Last week we saw the Guardian sleep with the lady who has a thing for Nora. Finally figured out her name. Salome. So they’re laying in bed with his laptop, listening to the sounds of Nora screaming in agony. What a kind heart you have, dear Guardian. Nothing like a little torture to get a vampire in the mood.

Sookie has pity party cause, you know all her friends hate her – her best friend especially, who wants to drain every last drop of blood from her lifeless body. Pu-lease! As if that’s a reason to be sad. My best friend bit me once then said I tasted like saltines and spit in the grass. Of course, I was five but it still cut me deep. And do you think I cried and felt bad for myself? No. I punched her in the face! Anyway, the only way to make her breakdown even stupider is to involve Jason. And that’s exactly what she does.  She confesses to killing Debbie and tells him to lock her up. “Oh, by the way, Tara’s a vampire and hates my stinkin’ guts.” And Jason, being the superb officer he is, basically puts his fingers in his ears and says “la la la.” Great fucking work there, officer.

Eric is back! To Fangtasia anyway. And looking all commanding and badass sitting in his throne – very reminiscent of the first season only without the long hair, thank God. Pam walks in with Tara, shocked but pleased to see him. The shock turns to discomfort when Eric asks about Tara. Then she explains, awkwardly, that she made a progeny while he’s been away – a pissed off, barely sane one at that. Oh yes, you’ve been busy, Pam.

Tara and Bill leave the room and have a heart-to-heart. Tara spills her feelings about Sookie, “how many people died to save her sorry ass?” That’s it, Tara. Don’t hold back now. Bill gets his, typical love-sick look of regret on his face. And I can’t help but feel slightly sorry for Sookie, who seems to be the scapegoat for everything wrong in Bon Temp. By the end of the season, she’ll have been responsible for the recession too.

While Bill and Tara reminisce about their past love of the fairy princess, Eric is questioning Pam about Russell Edgington. Apparently she’s one of only four who knew where he was buried. Eric is being a bit of a dick. Pam is and has always been so loyal to him it makes me a bit uncomfortable. He’s her one vulnerability. The one attachment that keeps her sort of, kind of human. And now she challenges him to release her from their maker/progeny bond.

Then we cut to the Authority counsel talking smack about the Guardian behind his back after acting all reverent to his face. Typical politicians. That's all i have say about that.

In episode one, I think it was, Andy let the judge’s son out of a speeding ticket. Now he’s being schmoozed by him. Anyone else smell trouble from this asshole? Yeah, me too. So Jason, Andy, and the judge get into a limo with three slutty women who place hoods over their heads. The judge laughs and reassures Andy and Jason that everything is fine – they’re going to a secret club and no one can know the location. Uh-huh. And is this “secret club” in some gritty back-alley and are the “VIP guests” slaughtered and drained of blood? My warning bells are going off. But apparently everyone in Bon Temp is stupid because all it takes is a pretty woman to distract from the obvious pitfall of danger. But then again, this is Jason and Andy we’re talking about here.

Remember the Shifter’s Anonymous group Sam was in last season, where he met Luna? Well two members show up at his bar and convince him to go out running with them again. Later that night, he approaches their hang out. It’s dark. The two are sitting in lawn chairs facing away from him, their silhouettes lit up by a glowing fire. Eerie music plays in the background. No one is moving. Can you guess what happens? The music was a dead giveaway. Both shifters are dead. And that about ends that plot line for this week.

Then Alcide tells Debbie’s parents that Marcus, the now-dead pack alpha, killed Debbie. *Rolls eyes* There goes everyone protecting the fairy princess again.

Terry and Patrick, the sergeant from when they served together in Iraq, are driving through South Dakota, hunting down a veteran Patrick suspects to be a bit cracked. Terry has a war flashback, proving he’s the one who’s cracked, not that anyone cares. He’s still allowed around small children – speaking of which, where’s the possessed baby!? In the flashback, the soldiers get high and drunk and party Arab style in the desert until an innocent bystander tries to talk with one of the trigger-happy guys. Next thing you know, they’ve all gone postal on a village of innocent people. Terry stares down at a pile of bodies and a river of blood. No wonder he’s messed up in the head.

Anyway, they find an underground bunker they think belongs to their friend and inside are lots of paintings. Dark ones. Yeah, maybe you could stretch it and say they have a one-step-away-from-insanity theme going on. But really, isn’t there a saying about judging men by their paintings? No? Well, there should be.

Lafayette’s little magic trick with the car ended up cutting Sookie’s breaks and she jumps out just before it slams into a tree. Then she continues her downward spiral at home alone, mixing strong alcohol that I’m not sure isn’t lethal. But can you really blame her? People keep dying in her kitchen. Some she kills. Some jump in front of bullets for her then turn into vampires while she inspires their seething hatred forever. It’s a rough life for Sookie Stackhouse. Drink on, Sookie. Maybe you’ll do everyone a favor and die of alcohol poisoning.  

Pam and Tara wake up after being tucked in nice and cozy in matching coffins in the creepy basement they tortured Lafayette in seasons ago – back when Eric was the bad guy. Ah, those were the days. So Eric explains to a teary-eyed Pam that he does care about her, enough to set her free. He knows he’s a walking dead man. Er, even deader now that the Guardian has him in his sights. As long as Pam stays alive, he keeps his vampire line strong. What? Even vampires can be touchy-feely sometimes. So we get a glimpse into Pam and Eric’s special bond – more like a fatherly relationship than romantic. Then we get the obligatory speech about taking care of her progeny. Blah blah blah. Cause they can’t kill off Tara after just having made her undead. This isn’t Game of Thrones, you know.

Jessica and Bill have a tender moment too. Apparently this is the season of the makers. Everyone’s all sweet and reminiscent. Maybe because they know they have a limited amount of time left before the Authority realizes they’re full of bullshit about hunting down Russell and will fuck it up sooner or later. Jessica tries to convince Bill to see Sookie because “she’s had a rough couple days.” Ha! That is the understatement of the season.

So Nora’s been tortured for a long time now, since episode two. She’s ready to die. I would be too. There’s only so much silver in my blood I can take before life just gets to be a bitch. The Guardian questions her in a very intimidating and dramatic way and she laughs, a bit hysterically, and tells him to “fuck off.” It was quite amusing and clenched my decision to be on Team Nora for a while. When he finally threatens to kill Eric with an iphone app – you can get one too for only 99 cents! – she caves and gives them a name.

The three slutty, giggly women who have Andy, Jason, and the Judge take them, still hooded, into a meadow where they open the door to an invisible club. Inside are exotic dancers of every type, music, drinking, partying, half-dressed men and women – every man’s dream. Oh come on guys! Middle-aged men do not get invited to sexy clubs by gorgeous women!  *shakes head* They’d believe anything if it fed a fantasy like that. So Andy runs into the fairy he dry-humped in the grass at the end of last season and Jason finds Hadley, his cousin and former feeder of the Queen of Mississippi.  Back to that in a few.

Sookie is drunk off her ass, smiling, laughing, and singing. Hilarious! I like her so much better drunk. Can she just stay that way for the rest of the season? Lafayette calls after finding her car wrapped around a tree and realizing it was the Mexican monster inside him. But he doesn’t get the chance to apologize for almost killing her cause Alcide shows up to explain his cover story to Debbie’s parents – someone else saving her sorry ass from more trouble. Since Sookie is so cute when she’s drunk – and clever switching up song lyrics to fit her situation – Alcide forgives her then kisses her. If that’s what it takes to win your heart Alcide – a perky smile and half-decent singing – maybe we don’t have a future together. *Walks off and stalks Eric instead*

So Pam takes the maker thing to heart. She forces Tara into eating a sexy lady, both of them fighting the whole way. I like how this dynamic is turning out. Since Tara went lesbian anyway, maybe her and Pam – no. *laughing* No. Too much of a stretch.

The Guardian and counsel meet with the name of the traitor Nora gave. It’s someone in the counsel, he tells us. Then he proceeds to drag out the unveiling of the betrayer longer than Ryan Seacrest does in naming the American Idol winner. Suddenly, the Guardian grabs the kid vampire – who was turning into a little asshole anyway – and stakes him. Then, with blood splattered all over his face, he gives a speech about dealing with traitors. Bravo, Guardian, bravo. I bow down to your superior use of dramatics. And producers, to your gratuitous use of splattering gore.

Back to Club No-Good-Can-Come-of-This in Fairyland. Hadley slips about Jason’s parents being drained by vampires, not drowning in a flood. He flips out and tries to question her but fairy bouncers kick him and Andy out. We end the episode with them laying on the grass and two fairies shooting beams of light toward them.

So, what’s up for next week? According to the previews, looks like a rockin’ episode. Can’t wait!