True Blood Season 5, episode 2 Recap

Since readers seem to like my True Blood season premiere review and recap last week at Nights of Passion, I figured I'd do this week's here as well. I know a few of you don't have cable so it pains me to know you're relying entirely on my biased and ineffective post. But I'll do my best.

So we left off with Tara jumping out of the grave and flashing fang at Sookie. And that's where we begin tonight. Sookie and Tara have crossed a line in their relationship. Most of us have been through a lot with our best friend at our side. Even when we have a bad day, or a bitchy moment, real friendship will get past it. But I'm not sure it's so easy to get past trying to eat your best friend. Though in the grand scheme of things, that ain't no big deal for Sookie.

And I'm a little confused about this new Tara. Are baby vamps supposed to be like blood-thirsty gremlins when they first pop out of the grave? I couldn't tell if Tara was mad at Sookie for changing her and so she wanted to gnaw through her neck or if she was just hungry. Either way, Pam, in typical Pam fashion, is slightly amused but mostly bored by this lethal exchange. Eventually she makes a half-ass attempt to get Tara to stop trying to kill her best friend so...that's progress, right? Go Pam.

Then we go to Eric and Bill, who we last saw surrounded by a vampiric SWAT team after trying to run away to the Vampire Witness Protection program with Eric's hot sister Nora (finally figured out her name). So we watch almost five whole minutes of Bill and Eric being led through a complex security system to the Authority headquarters while cheesy suspenseful music plays in the background. We meet a stuffy British woman from the council who's giving off a lesbian vibe with the Nora chick. But other than that, we learn nothing to move the plot, there's no blood or exploding body parts, and nobody gets naked and makes out. Here's a suggestion. Trade that in for shirtless Alcide!

Which leads me to the next scene. Here we go again with the cannibalism! So Alcide has this weird, tense argument with the pack about how he's supposed to engage in the eating of the dead alpha, but he's all like "ew, I'll never be one of you cannibal freaks", and another guy is like "well then I'll never respect you," and he's all like "I don't care, I'm too cool for you," then I'm all like, "someone rip his fucking shirt off!" But nobody ever listens to me *sigh.*

Terry is having crazy flashbacks from war. Arlene knows something's up and tries to talk to his old Sergeant, who we met last week. She gets interrupted by Terry who has a private conversation with the Sergeant. Something about a psychopath on the loose and Terry knows where he is. I'm not really following this storyline much. I love Terry. He's one of my favorite guys on the show just cause I think he's the only one who's marriage material. Well, other than occasionally attempting to murder his wife in a PTSD-induced hallucination. But whatever. We all have issues. Anyway, I'm way more interested in their possessed baby, who I think might give the kid from The Omen a run for his money.

Back to Tara, Sookie, and Lafayette. Tara's having a tantrum in the house, tearing things up, growling, perching on top of kitchen sinks, giving everybody predatory looks. You know, typical vampire stuff. She hasn't said a word to either of them and I was beginning to think they did create a brain-dead vampire. Like a zombie, but with super strength and speed. Like a...a...Vambie. Or a Zompire. You choose.

So Pam has deserted her with a casual "she's your fucking problem" or some such Pam-ism and goes back to the club. Then we get a flashback from before she was turned. Even in the early 1900's she was still very...Pam. She ran a brothel. No surprise there. Anyway, she was walking in the streets by herself late at night - which someone clearly forgot to tell the lighting director because the set was covered in a pink haze - and she was attacked by a violent psychopath, as all woman walking the streets late at night are. In comes Eric at the last second, looking all dapper in a suit and hat, licking the fresh, warm blood of his hand. So adorable!

Back to present. So Bill, Eric, and Nora are in prison and being tortured by UV rays. Finally some real torture instead of the rough foreplay the werewolf pack inflicted on Sam last week. Bill plays hero and tries to get Nora and Eric off the hook but apparently the Authority doesn't have "sucker" tattooed across their collective forehead.

So I was totally digging the budding love story with Sam and Luna. Finally a woman worthy of my sweet, caring Sam! But this week she screwed it up. Basically, Grandma Werewolf Psychopath wants a relationship with Emma and Luna says no way in hell. Sam questions her decision and Luna freaks out.Next thing you know, there's a cute little puppy wolf in Emma's room. No wait. That is Emma. Now Luna has a problem on her hands. The only pack in town wants to eat her boyfriend. What's a mom to do?

Sookie and Lafayette are still waiting around for Tara to...I don't know, recite poetry, knit a sweater, show any signs of human intelligence. Dawn is approaching and they need to get her into Eric's vampire bunker. So they hatch a scheme. Lafayette creeps around the house holding a meat cleaver and calling for Tara while creepy music plays in the background. Sidenote: the soundtrack has gotten really lame this season. Anyway, he finds her hiding behind a door - maybe she forgot she was a predator with razor sharp fangs - and he cuts himself so she feeds from him while Sookie wraps a silver chain around her neck and they carry her downstairs. I don't think the silver choker will win any brownie points for Lafayette and Sookie.

Sheriff Andy and Jason have a male version of a heart-to-heart while they find Debbie's abandoned car. Jason makes an idiot comment as only Jason can do, "Why buy the cow when you can eat the apple pie for free," or some such bullshit. In case you've forgotten, Debbie is the chick we all hate cause she married Alcide. Well, that and she was a major bitch. Sookie killed her and no one knows yet, not even Alcide. Apparently he's too busy warning everyone about Russell Edgington and blowing off the pack and not taking his shirt off to keep track of his wife's whereabouts.

The next day, Sookie goes to a vampire hunting store and is serviced by a super friendly *rolls eyes* vampire hating clerk. Which brings me to my favorite line of the episode. The clerk describes a device that looks like a plug-in air-freshener but it sprays silver. "Knock, knock. Who's there? It's me, a vampire. Pffssssstsht! Ah, it burns, it burns! I'm gonna leave you alone and go eat your neighbor." I about spewed my drink. Sookie installs the silver spewer on the front porch then overhears Lafeyette about to stake Tara. She runs down to the vampire bunker and stops him with a teary speech about keeping up faith and giving her a chance. They cry together while sappy music fills the background.

Jason gets beat up by a fourteen year old after screwing his mother. That was about the end of that.

Reverend Steve. I love him. So he's all over TV like "Vampires for Jesus! Whoo-hoo!" He's going back on everything he ever said about God hating vampires. Fundamentalist bullshit doesn't work very well when you can't maintain perfection. Imagine that. So he shows up at Jessica's house while she's, um, entertaining (apparently being a sexy vampire is a hit with the college kids). He walks in like a rock star - dancing for Jesus, partying for Jesus, bribing Jessica for ownership rights to Jason for Jesus. She makes a fool out him and I have a feeling he's going to be getting revenge (for Jesus) in the near future.

Back to the Authority. They're a lovely bunch. Bill and Eric are restrained in chairs while perfectly polite interrogators use liquid silver pumped into their veins to get information from them. Apparently there's some sort of anti-establishment rebel group they think their a part of, which we know isn't true because, as Nan has said, they're both fuck-ups. So Mr. Too-Polite-British-Guy explains the Authority's belief that God was a vampire and vampires are supposed to run the world and humans were created to nourish them. And that's the most messed up version of the Bible I've ever heard. Anyway, more elitist propaganda, blah blah blah. Liquid silver. Writhing in agony. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't you just hate when your torturer inflicts pain with a genuinely pleasant smile on his face? That just boils my blood, yes it does.

So Eric gets a few doses of torture too. Only he's told by his interrogator that they killed Nora - the true death for her treason. He looks all sad and stunned for a few seconds which leads me to wonder, have you ever seen a movie in all your long life Eric Northman? The bad guy always says the love interest is dead when she's really not! It's, like, Movie Gimmicks 101.

Tara speaks! Finally! So she's not vambie, just really pissed off. She says she'll never forgive them then runs out of the house and through the silver sprinkler. Recovering from those burns isn't going to make forgiveness any easier. Good one Sookie. Can I get in line to be your best friend?

Then we finally meet the guy from Law & Order - called the Guardian. He does this weird ceremony where he feeds a drop of his blood to the counsel while they sit on their knees and chant about Lilith and Lord, reminding me a lot of a freaky communion at Catholic mass. Nora is alive. Surprised? Me neither. Anyway, the Guardian gets all in Bill and Eric's faces like, "We are the authority, I am the authority." God complex anyone? So the counsel discusses what to do with Bill and Eric, who've done nothing wrong that I can tell.

Oh! And we meet a little baby vampire! One of the counsel members can't be older than, say, eleven. Arlene's baby has some competition for uber-creepy title.

So the Authority is pretty clear that it hates humans and everyone but themselves. Pretty typical of a fundamentalist organization. The Guardian is borderline psychotic - isn't everybody on this show? - just thought I should throw that out there. Bill finally gets smart and tells them that he and Eric can hunt down Russell Edgington in exchange for them not dying in that instant. Cause we all know the Authority is going to do whatever the hell they want, deal or no deal. But Eric and Bill use their persuasive persuading skills to convince the counsel to give them a chance. I say they should've staked them right then and there for not killing Russell when they had the chance last season. But again, nobody listens to me.

To prove my theory that the Guardian guy is psycho, he grabs Bill's head and holds a stake above him and yells, "I feel like staking something so fucking much right now!" And I feel like chicken tonight. We can't always get what we want, can we, Mr. Psycho Vampire Dude?

The very last scene shows a pile of dead - or almost dead - human bodies and a very crispy but healing Russell Edgington. He was my second favorite villain so I'm very excited for this season.


In conclusion, I still like the show. Don't like the soundtrack. Alcide needs to take his shirt off more. And Eric needs to show some of his bad-ass super vampire skills.