True Blood Season 5, Episode 3 Recap

So last week we left off with borderline psychopath, The Guardian (aka Law & Order Guy) about to stake Bill for being a “fuck up,” when Bill and Eric mention Russell Edgington is alive and only they can hunt him down. Yes, that’s right. Fuck up one and fuck up two have the skills to hunt down fuck up three and actually kill him this time instead of burying him in concrete. Make some popcorn and watch the disaster unfold.

The Guardian, in all his borderline psychotic flair, agrees to let them go to kill Russell Edgington. Because, of course, even The Guardian knows that killing off Bill and Eric will ignite riots nationwide. Horny middle-aged women will flood the studio, demanding the producer’s head on a pike.

The Guardian is all about mainstreaming and now that Nan is dead, he needs a replacement PR guy. And who does he call? Why perky Reverend Steve of course! He comes in all “humans will do anything to feel safe, I know what I’m doing, blah blah blah” and The Guardian wipes the floor with him – and that stupid grin off his face too. But, with his hand around Reverend Steve’s reverend throat, he says he’ll give him a chance.

Last week Tara said “fuck off” to Lafayette and Sookie then got sprayed with Sookie’s silver sprinkler system and ran off screeching into the night. Now we watch her heal while staring up at the super sparkly stars cause apparently, in this world, vampires don’t sparkle, but everything they see does. I liked creepy perched-on-the-sink vampire Tara but the charm is wearing off. I want snarky, no-holds-barred tell-of-Walmart-customers Tara back. Brooding Tara is boring. Anyway, after attacking an innocent passerby in a bout of hunger, she fights back her baser urges and runs to Sam’s house. After drinking her weight in blood she smashes a bottle by accident – yes Tara, super strength, remember? –  then passes out. Apparently broken glass bottles are newborn vampire kryptonite. Or perhaps she drank herself to death.

Sookie goes to Pam for help to find Tara. Pam refuses – no surprise there. They have a show-down that left me itching to see a real girl fight – hair pulling, scratching, biting. Throw in some mud and I bet Alcide comes running. Pam pushes Sookie. Sookie shoots light out of her hands. Sookie storms away. Pam vents her anger on the club crowd. “Get back to dry-humping and buying liquor” or something to that effect.

Finally someone takes their shirt off! Bill and Eric get a sci-fi-looking chest harness that’s a tracking device-slash-mini-assassin should they step out of bounds and need instant death. Then they each have a meeting with a woman called The Sanguine. This part was confusing. I had no idea what the hell was going on. Something about how humans were more savage than vampires (I’ll buy that!). Then there was some dialogue that seemed pointless except maybe a lame way for her to seduce Bill and Eric in two separate scenes. Then Bill and Eric met up in an elevator, each of them realizing they’d slept with her.  Can you say awkward?

Sheriff Andy’s naked ass is on facebook. Isn’t everybody’s? Or some embarrassing picture anyway. But I suppose it’s kind of a big deal since he’s the sheriff and all – though he loses more and more respect as the seasons go on. He could dress up like a woman and go on a drunken shooting spree down Main Street and still manage to keep his position as sheriff. Anyway, he confronts the witch lady – what’s her name? – and asks her out, proving, once again, they’re the least fucked up couple on the show.

Then we jump to Jason shopping in the grocery store. Jason, Jason, Jason. *sigh* He runs into an old high school teacher and gets all Mrs. Robinson with her while talking about pickles. Back at her place, he seduces her then suddenly grows a freakin’ conscience! Jason Stackhouse has a moment of shame about a sexual conquest! Is this because of Jessica? Has his penis finally detached from the frontal lobe of his brain? Are we going to see real change in his character? I hope not. Because who is Jason Stackhouse if not a really stupid but sexy-as-hell-with-his-shirt-off horn dog? Normal, that’s what. And this is Bon Temp. Normal people are chased out with pitchforks.

Terry’s going on a covert operation with his ex-military sergeant Patrick. He can’t tell Arlene about it and it makes her cry. Who cares? Bring back the creepy baby!

Sookie and Lafayette are still looking for Tara. Apparently “stay the fuck away from me” is too subtle a hint for them. I suggest pepper spray next time Tara. Turnabout’s fair play after all. Sookie goes to Merlotte’s and asks if Sam he’s seen Tara. Since he promised Tara he wouldn’t tell them that he stuck her in the walk-in – there’s a good friend for ya, sticks you in the freezer when you pass out in his arms – he has to lie to Sookie and keep his thoughts pure. With what? Her boobs! “think of her boobs, think of her boobs, not the walk-in.” Whoops. You suck at lying Sam. Or maybe Sookie’s breasts are nothing to write home about.

Tara gets rough with Lafayette when he wakes her in the walk-in and gives her fuck off speech another try, with a little more conviction this time in a rant that ends with “all I can think about is ripping out ya’ll’s throats.” Then she runs away really fast with that swishing sound the audio specialists add in later.

All this making of annoying baby vampires has Pam reminiscing about her and Eric. We go to another early 1900’s flashback. This time Bill and his royal bitch maker – remember her from two seasons ago? – feed in one of Pam’s rooms at her brothel. Eric comes in all hot and sheriff-y and tries to kill Bill. Ha ha. Kill Bill. *Smacks head* Focus! But what’s-her-name pleads for his life. Thus begins their tenuous relationship, which, at this point in the five seasons has turned into a full-on bromance. Anyway, Eric looks all dapper in his 1900’s suit and his 1900’s lingo and his 1900’s fangs. Pam thinks so too and the two of them kick-it in bed. Pam wants to be turned – doesn’t everybody? Well, except Tara who’d rather be dead I suppose (more on that later). Eric refuses and they have a philosophical discussion about life, the universe, and everything in it. For Pam the answer isn’t forty-two. It’s suicide to force her new lover to become her new maker. And thus begins their tenuous relationship. We see her crying while experiencing the memory during her vampire sleep. Is she, perhaps, feeling guilty about making Tara and abandoning her? Very introspective, Pam’s sub-conscious.

Debbie’s parents confront Alcide about Debbie. The dad’s all like “I’ll kill you if you hurt my precious baby” and he’s all like “there’s been nothing precious about your daughter since first grade, she’s a lying cheating whore who get high on vamp blood and has a major grudge against my special Tinkerbell.” Not in those words of course. Alcide has more class than me. So Alcide gets suspicious about the disappearance and confronts Sookie. And she finally tells him that she blew off his ex-bitch’s head with a shot gun a few days ago. Yeah, that went over well. Alcide gets all pissed and growly (yum) and has an emotional breakdown. It’s okay Alcide. Come here and I’ll make you feel better. There, there. *strokes chest* I’ll never betray you like Sookie did. My breasts are better too, by the way.

Jessica pulls a typical girl move and tells off a bitter clothing shop owner about screwing with Jason all while smiling and looking pretty. Then a guy walks in that smells so good it brings Jessica out of the changing room half-dressed to chase after him, because, predictably, he sees a vampire and runs. She ends up alone in a field, high on whatever smells good to vampires – vintage wine, dark chocolate, cinnabons, whatever – and even a toddler can see the word “trap” written all over it.

Hoyt continues his gradual decent into the debauchery of badass-ness. On one hand, I’m happy for him. Growing a pair: good. Copping an attitude: good. Throwing around the f-bomb: good. Sporting a mesh shirt and eyeliner: baaaad!

Jessica visits Jason to tell him about the yummy man she chased – cause, you know, if anyone can relate to chasing something delicious, it’s Jason – but he shoots her down with a forlorn puppy dog look. His dick is out of control and he needs to stop screwing women left and right. Does this mean he’s going to try men? I’m not sure. But one thing is clear, everybody is introspective this week. Anyway, Jessica promises they can just be friends and they have a very awww-worthy moment.

Next, Eric’s sexy sis, Nora, gets tortured by the fiery southern red head bitch from the counsel. It’s less about getting information from her and more about punishing her for being a bad wittle vampire and betraying the Authority for the sake of a man. I was happy to see her go from wussy girly-girl last week, back to an Eric-worthy bad-ass chick – no mesh top though, sorry boys. After three whole vials of silver infused in her blood she says “fuck off you really dirty word for female parts!” And she even managed to make it sound good with a British accent. Yeah. She’s bad ass.

So the Sanguine lady who seduced both Eric and Bill then bangs The Guardian AND gives off those lesbian vibes when talking about Nora again. The girl gets around. But Uber-slut can’t save Nora from Evil Red-head Bitch who tortures her until she breaks and confesses to being, what I think, is a rebel to the mainstreaming cause. If anybody understood that part better, please clarify. I may have been slightly distracted by the hot pictures of Alcide people were posting in my True Blood facebook group. Good one, ladies!

Back at Merlotte’s, Lafayette has a monster that wears the same mask Jesus used to wear inside him that makes him want to poison the soup. That rascally Mexican voodoo spirit! Bleach in soup make humans puke. Try arsenic instead.

At the very end of the episode, Tara breaks into a tanning salon – anyone see what’s coming? Yes, she tries the oldest trick in the book. Vampire suicide. While she’s frying the skin off her bones, Pam feels it then says in her very Pam-ly way, “you stupid bitch.” Episode ends.

So, questions for next week. Will Pam save Tara? Is Lafayette turning into a monster? Will Alcide kill Sookie and run off with me?

Stay tuned!